TGIF – Performance Appraisal/Review/Evaluation Week

 As the week winds down, we wind down with some tidbits for your information, education, health, and enjoyment.

Quote of the Week: Here is a summary of a performance review of a mediocre performer.  Be sure to read the punch line at the end. 

“In addition, I would have to say your output, while at times quite extraordinary, has been inconsistent. In Q1 you managed to publish one paper in the final two weeks of the quarter. In Q2 you improved productivity, with your dissertation in April, the Brownian Motion paper in May, and the Special Relativity paper in June. Not bad for a quarter, not bad at all. But then you seemed to slump: you did finish one paper 3 days before the close of Q3, but it was only 3 pages long. I admit that some reviewers did find it noteworthy, but really, couldn’t it have been the conclusion of your June paper? It almost seems like you held it back just to have something to show for Q3. (This flippant, almost disrespectful attitude is also evident in your dissertation: when told by your respected thesis committee that your thesis was too short, you added one sentence.)  And then in Q4 — no publications at all.”

This mediocre performer was Albert Einstein in 1905 when he came up with his Theory of Relativity.  Some bosses are just hard to please.

Humor Break: Statements purportedly found on performance appraisals:
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee should go far — and the sooner he starts, the better we’ll be.”
“This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that holds them all together.”
“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he is a carrier.”
“He would argue with a signpost.”
“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
“Is apparently very careful with equipment, as his tools show very little signs of wear.”

Stat of the Week: This is a short follow-up to Wednesday’s post on Performance Appraisals/Reviews/Evaluations.  In this season of giving, there is No Such Thing as giving constructive criticism.  If you are giving performance appraisals/reviews this Holiday Season, you owe it to yourself to read this brief Blog.  Read these three tips for more effective feedback.

Action Tip: If you are an appraisal giver, be sure to let your employee(s) know when you are going to give the appraisal and what you expect from then.  Plan for a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted.  A long time ago in a faraway place I used to conduct the required appraisal (with each employee) in a fancy restaurant.  We would begin at noon and conclude at 5:00.  My employees couldn’t wait for their review.  I realize those days are gone, but there are still ways to be creative.  Another thing I did was minimize discussion of the past and maximize discussion of the future.  After all, the future was the only thing we could do anything about.

Volunteering: While not likely, after giving your appraisals/reviews/evaluations you may want to get out of town for a while.  Universal Giving offers over 70 locations and a wide variety of volunteer experiences worldwide.  You can help preserve the Amazon forest, build a home, care for orphaned children, and much more.

Bill Bradley

Bill Bradley (mostly) retired after 35 years in organizational consulting, training and management development. During those years he worked internally with seven organizations and trained and consulted externally with more than 90 large and small businesses, government agencies, hospitals and schools.