When We Can’t All Get Along

HOT READS FOR THE PRACTITIONER

Title: How to Influence Friends and Win Over Enemies (and Teens?)

Competencies: engenders trust, collaboration, interpersonal sensitivity, conflict management, emotional intelligence, influence skills

Who benefits: anyone

Consultant Usage: practical advice for all consultants, useful with clients for executive coaches, good material for communication trainers

What’s it about?  A few posts ago I wrote “Can’t We All Get Along”.  I wish. 

Sometimes “getting along” just isn’t an initial option.  Then what?  Authors Brian Uzzi and Shannon Dunlap wrote a superior post recently entitled “Make Your Enemies Your Allies”. 

In their post they state “…effective leaders turn rivals into collaborators—strengthening their positions, their networks, and their careers in the process. Think of these relationships not as chronic illnesses you have to endure but as wounds that must be treated in order for you to lead a healthy work life.”

What makes this a perfect post in my eyes is a “grab your attention” opening, a story that runs throughout the article (with an unexpected happy ending), and three practical guidelines to win people over to your side.

The attention grabber is the relationship between emotion and trust.  We all want and believe reason and logic will win out in the end.  Not so if the emotional barriers aren’t addressed first.  Trust is emotion-based. 

The story thread is true and fascinating.  A young man (minority) comes into a large organization right out of business school.  He is hired as a manager.  One of his direct reports is a 20-year employee who was passed over for the job.  He seriously resents the newcomer.  Ah, the plot thickens.

The authors introduce the three “R’s”, the practical steps to winning people to your side.

Redirection – “Step 1 is to redirect your rival’s negative emotions so that they are channeled away from you.”

Reciprocity – Step 2 “The essential principle here is to give before you ask. Undoing a negative tie begins with giving up something of value rather than asking for a ‘fair trade.’”

Rationality – “Step 3, rationality, establishes the expectations of the fledgling relationship you’ve built using the previous steps so that your efforts don’t come off as dishonest or as ineffective pandering.”

There are excellent sidebars on “Rivalries Don’t Exist in a Vacuum” and “What If the 3Rs Fail?”.  I particularly like the “…if the 3Rs Fail”.  Unlike some authors who would have the reader believe that their content works every time and all the time, these authors demonstrate balance and realism.  Hence I trust them.

It is an easy read.  The 3Rs are as practical as any advice can get.  I read the article twice just to make sure “I got it”.  I think that is enough to give high praise and a strong recommendation. 

I was also thinking as I read it that it might be very useful advice for parents … especially with teens? 

Catch you later.

Bill Bradley

Bill Bradley (mostly) retired after 35 years in organizational consulting, training and management development. During those years he worked internally with seven organizations and trained and consulted externally with more than 90 large and small businesses, government agencies, hospitals and schools.